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Time To Celebrate! Watermelon Cocktails All Around!

This is me doing a perfect bow pulling pose on a rock at a beautiful and serene lake on day 15!.  Well.  It could be me.  Ok.  Fine. This is going to be me.  In another 45 days!  I made it to day 15!  I'm 1/4 of the way there!

So, the cold hard facts.  I have lost 3 pounds.  Not that amazing.  What is amazing is my measurements.  I took my measurements today I have lost a total of 6 and a half inches.  I took the measurements from various parts of my body and I have lost an inch to two inches everywhere.  Hips, thighs, waist, arms and chest.  In 15 days!  An nice little perk of this journey I am on.

I had a truly empowering femi-yoga class on Thursday morning.  It was all women in the class so our motivational speeches from the instructor were directed toward being a strong, powerful, beautiful, sexy woman.  I've gotta say that femi-yoga was exactly what I needed.   It was a nice little sisterhood on a Thursday morning.

This raises an interesting question.  Someone asked me about the percentage of women to men in yoga class.  I initially responded that it was equal (the femi-yoga class was an anomaly).  But I looked around today and I may be wrong.  It may be that women far outnumber the men.  I wonder why?    I was then asked if I get hit on at yoga class.  Of course I don't get hit on at yoga class!  What a ridiculous question.  I think this person imagines hot yoga as a room full of singles in hardly any clothes just kind of hanging out and flirting.  I'm really amazed and how many people have no clue what this Bikram Yoga thing is all about.  It's not about flirting.  Although I'm sure when I leave that room I look like every man's dream.  Sure Gino, the soup guy is pretty cute.  And there is the guy with the adorable dogs.   But really, I haven't paid much attention and that is not why I'm there.  I don't think people go to yoga to meet someone.  We go to yoga to meet ourselves.

The yoga meltdowns are starting to become less frequent.  Les Miserables was on again so there was that.  But otherwise I've been pretty melt down free this week.  I have been focused, engaged, interesting, funny, smart and almost, dare I say it, happy this week. A new associate I am working with told me that she appreciated my "wisdom and insight".  I actually had wisdom and insight!  At the same time!  And someone, other than me, noticed it!   Ok.  That made me cry too.  But still it is all good crying! 

I also cried at Taylor's school orchestra concert today but I always cry at those.  I'm just so proud that my child can do something so well.  Something I don't think I could ever do!  That is definitely a time for happy crying.  The thing I don't understand is why I'm the only parent in the entire school gym who cries at the orchestra concerts.  Maybe it's because they have to herd the rest of their kids while the concert is going on.  Maybe they have older kids and have sat through 700 of these things before.  Maybe they are mad at their husbands and don't want to have to be sitting next to them.  Maybe I am especially lucky.  At times like this I feel like being a single mom to an only child is a luxury.  I get to devote myself to my son and enjoy every second of every proud parent moment without any distractions. 

So with that... I'm off to celebrate day 15 with a little online shopping and a watermelon cocktail.  Namaste.

Love What You Love and Wear a Cute Hat

The following may have taken place between 8:30 pm and 10:30 pm.  One friend may have been in a bedroom in Southwest Reno.  Other friend may have been in a bedroom in Northwest Reno.  Both friends may have been watching Les Miserables coincidentally for the second time that week.  Both alone on a Thursday night except for one little boy each.  One little boy asleep.  One little boy tuned out with his ipod.  Both friends with smart phones.  Neither friend afraid to use them.  This may or may not be how the conversation went.  This may or may not have actually happened...

Friend 1 ("F1"): Les Miserables anniversary special on PBS right now.

Friend 2 ("F2"):  I know.

F1:  This Javert is freakin' beautiful.  Here he goes.  "Ahhhhh fallen from grace."

F2:  He is beautiful and his songs are awesome.  We are so lame!

F2:  This Jean Valjean is hot too.

F1:  Yes. We are lame.  But it is wonderful.

F2:   It is wonderful.

F1:  Who is Marius's friend? I love him.

F2:  I don't know his name but I love him too.  I may remember it soon.

F2:  I love the red flag...can't wait.

F1:  Dork, dork, dork.

F1:  "Whisper away waiting for me.  Does he see what I see?"

F2:  Those have got to be fake eyelashes, right?

F1:  No.  Can't be.

F2:  Poor Eponine.

F1:   Not right.  Always like her better.

F2:   Me too.  Everyone does except stupid Marius.

F1:  Ugh .  So unfair.

F2:  Life should be a musical.  There isn't enough singing during the day.

F1:  "He was never mine to lose... Not to me not to me." 

F2:   Ugh.  Look at that poor girl.

F2:   Stupid Marius.

F1 :  Totally.  His friend forever and then drops her for some blond...didn't even know her name.

F2:  Stupid men.

F1 :  Yup.  Except for Javert.  We know what to expect from him...he's just obsessed and lost.

F1:  One Day More!

F2:  Favorite Part!

F2:  I love her hat.

F1: (to Marius) You just met her, you CAN be parted.   What about your childhood friend  @#$*head?

F2:  Now this is the guy I like.  Not a girl like Marius.

F1:  Totally.  Marius, You are in a war for God Sake.  Focus.

F1:  FLAGS!

F2:  That's what I'm talkin' about!  It's all about the flags!  And Eponine's hat.

F1: I want to have a girl and name her Eponine.

F2:  I want to get two puppies and name them Jean Valjean and Javert.

F1:  You could get them sweaters!

F2:  Stupid Marius, again!

F1:  So stupid.

F2:  Stupid men.

F1:   My sooong.... Kleenex please.

F2:  Your song?  I've lived this stupid song!

F1:  So funny!  Only yours goes, "and I'm texting to myself and not to him."  Hahahahahaha...

F1:  I mean... it's not that funny.

F1: "He is gone...and the Truckee's just a river..."  Hahahahaha....

F2:  That hat is just so freakin' cute. If I had that hat I wouldn't have these problems.

F1:  True.  It's a great hat.

F2:  Phone dying.  Love you.

F1:  I have be alone for the finale anyway.  Love you too.

Now, I am the first to admit that loving Broadway musicals may seem pretty lame.  But it's like Richard Gere told Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman about the Opera.  You either love the opera immediately or you don't.  If you don't you can learn to appreciate it but you will never love it.  It will never be part of you.  Or something along those lines.  I think Broadway is the same way.  You either totally love it or you don't.  I'm sad for the people who don't because it is just so great!

The Happiness Project says you have to love what you love. Not what everyone else loves.  What you love.  And you should love what you love passionately.  And if you are lucky enough to have a best friend that loves what you love too...it makes it that much better.  Love you!

P.S.  Speaking of loving what you love...Day 14 down!

It's not bad crying...it's good crying.

Today I completed day 12 of my yoga challenge.  In two more days I will be one quarter of the way through my 60 day challenge.  Can you believe it?  I am truly amazed at what you can accomplish when you just take it one day at a time. 

Today's class was taught by one of my favorite instructors.  The instructors are all absolutely fantastic and I adore them all but Barry - he is a legendary.  His class is literally, standing room only.  He has this amazing energy.  Almost an aura.  And he is a yoga hard ass.  No bent knee goes unnoticed.  However, despite the fact that Barry is one of my favorite teachers I actually avoid his Wednesday classes because they are so full of people.

Now the reason I was at Barry's class is because I lost all control of my week.  I have carefully tried to schedule the yoga classes so I won't have any excuse to miss them.  I had this nice little schedule that I mapped out on Monday but my schedule has not worked.  This week requires me to be both Caryn the Super-Lawyer and Caryn the Super-Mom.  These weeks are particularly challenging.  I am juggling work appointments and "Taylor" appointments all week.  On a normal week, I would have let yoga pass and just not made it down there at all.  I would have written this week off as a week I just have to get through.  But when I'm on a Challenge, I'm on a Challenge!

So you are probably wondering how it is going.  Here is a quick update. 

The most noticeable progress I have made is that I think I am actually starting to glow.  People have commented on it.  My skin is feeling amazing.  Normally I have times when I can't stand being in my own skin because it feels too tight for me.  It's hard to explain the feeling but there are days that I feel like if I could take off my skin I would.  It's this absolutely miserable and depressing feeling.  Well, my friends, I am not experiencing that feeling anymore.  This in and of itself is worth the price of admission to the Bikram Yoga Challenge.

My yoga meltdowns continue but they aren't overwhelming meltdowns.  They are good meltdowns.  I just cry more.  I cried, no I sobbed, at the 25th Anniversary of Les Miserables on PBS on Sunday night.  I cried at my friend Marj's video birthday card to her husband that she posted on Facebook on his birthday.  I don't even know him.  I cried at a particularly cheesy moment in The Hangover, which I have seen at least seven times.  Yes, that is right, I cried in The Hangover.  I cried when I read the list of available Golden Retrievers in the Homeward Bound Golden Retriever Rescue Newsletter.  Yes, I'm actually considering adopting another one.  And I cried when I overheard Taylor telling the assistant at his orthodontist appointment about the Linkin Park concert and our exciting night out in Vegas.  Needless to say, I cry a regular basis.  But the amazing thing is I haven't cried at things like this for a really long time.  This is good crying.  I get accused often of being cold hearted.  I think this kind of crying means my cold, frozen heart seems to be melting.

I have only actually cried once in yoga class.  Jenn, an adorable Tinkerbelle-esq instructor, just competed in the National Yoga Championships.  She was telling her story to our class and she started to cry which made me start to cry.  Again...it was good crying.  And I don't think anyone knew I was crying because it's hard to know if someone is wiping tears out of their eyes or sweat out of their eyes.  The yoga room actually is a pretty safe cry zone.

I haven't taken my measurements yet.  I have decided to wait until day 15.  The 1/4 way point.  But here is another amazing thing.  I'm not sure I care what they are.  My jeans are getting loose.  I know that.  But I really feel like this is having so many benefits for me in other ways, that for once in my life, the goal of this kind of time commitment is not to lose weight.  I am eating better but it's not a conscious effort.  It's because only healthy food tastes right to me.  I haven't wanted coffee since about 2 days into the challenge.  I haven't had a cupcake since day 3.  I bought some candy at the movie last weekend but only ate a few because they just didn't taste that good.  I threw away a box that still had candy left in it.  13 days ago that was unthinkable to me. 

So that's the update.  I know I sound crazy...like maybe I drank the Bikram Poison Coconut Kool-Aid.  But for whatever reason.  It seems to be working. 

Yoga Meltdowns...Didn't see those coming.

Lessons learned so far in the Bikram Yoga 60 day Challenge:

1.  If I don't replace my electrolytes I start to cry.  I have been getting a little weepy after I get home from class for no apparent reason.  I think I need to make a more conscious effort to do a little electrolyte replacement right after class.  You would think that I would know this after being a runner for so many years.  I'm drinking plenty of water but very little else.  It's funny but certain things just don't sound good now.  Gatorade is one of them, too sweet.   Ack.  I know there are other options.  Coconut juice is yummy.  And I actually created a yoga cocktail of 3/4 sparkling water and 1/4 watermelon juice.  Yum!  I put it in a wine glass just because.  I am going to try drinking a coconut water right after class and see if that helps with the waterworks.     

2.  Bikram yoga may be better than therapy.  If I can't stop crying, I will go on to theory number two.  It may be that my electrolytes are fine.  It may be that  I am literally sweating out heartache from my life. I think there is a song in there somewhere.  I have a fair amount of pain that I have suppressed over the years.  Everything from feelings of guilt that I gave birth to a special needs child.  My ongoing heartache for him that keeps coming up now that he has reached middle school and is struggling to figure out where he fits in with his differences.  The buried hurt of rejection from men I thought I loved.  The resentment I have towards my mentors who have left me alone at my law firm while they go fulfill their goals and dreams.  Selfish, selfish, selfish.  I think I may actually be sweating this crap out of me.  Is that possible?  I have actually read in blogs from other people crazy enough to undertake the 60 day challenge that Bikram yoga meltdowns are not that uncommon. Apparently, the yoga stirs up a lot of toxins, including emotional toxins that may have been sitting in the bottom of your broken heart for decades.  Well, I didn't exactly read that...but that is kind of my interpretation of it.  I have read that the Birkram yoga meltdowns pass and you are fine after a week or two.  Hopefully that is true.  And hopefully I really am going to be able to leave some of this stuff on the mat.  I know this sounds a little new-agy for me.  I'm really not a new age kind of girl.  For now I'm going with the electrolyte theory but I am aware that something else maybe going on here. 

3.  Never underestimate the power of appropriate yoga shorts.  As I think I have established, I have an assortment of very cute, very functional yoga shorts and capris.  Others, I have learned through observation, do not.   I can't understand this because there are so many adorable hot yoga clothes out there.  I have had to put myself on shopping restriction.  This seems especially true with regard to the men.  No real surprise there I guess.  Now, I get that men aren't always the best at fashion coordination.  Especially when it comes to sports.  However, wearing simply your boxer shorts is just wrong.  I'm not entirely sure it is even legal.  I almost think these guys are facing potnential liability negligence and emotional distress.  Especially when boxer short guy decides to stand in the front row.  Bow pulling pose? boxer shorts? Gross, gross, gross.  Similarly, simply wearing underwear is equally traumatic for the rest of us.  There are very appropriate men's yoga shorts.  Sure they are tight and whatever...but it's really better than the boxer/underwear option.  And when in doubt, there is nothing wrong with a good pair of board shorts.  I may start a new charity to provide appropriate yoga shorts to those unfortunate enough to not have the fashion sense, or common sense, to wear something appropriate.  Kind of like a Coats for Kids kind of thing.

4.  Triangle is better when I sing Broadway musicals in my head.  So is standing head to knee, bow pulling pose and that awful one where you have to choke your throat.  I know I said I was going to try to not think in the yoga room but I'm not sure Broadway musicals count as thinking.  I'm going to try to avoid Les Miserables though until the above-mentioned Bikram Yoga meltdowns pass.  Eponine and I have a little too much in common (well not exactly...That's a little dramatic). But, I should probably avoid Miss Saigon too. Going to stick with Rock of Ages  for now. 

Lessons yet to be learned in the Bikram Yoga 60 day Challenge:

1.  What the f*%# is a Japanese Ham Sandwich?

On to day 10!

The X-boyfriend Files. Early Lessons in Love and Shopping.

When I was 16, I fell in love. Not just in love, in Romeo and Juliet love. In Luke and Laura love. In Danny and Sandy love. In Edward and Bella love. In obsessive, dramatic, sick-to-your-stomach, teen aged love. The object of my affections was named Herbert (the names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Herbert was a year a head of me. He had blond hair. He had beautiful blue eyes. He played tennis. He was preppy. He had his own car (a red GTI). I have no recollection of how we met. I can’t really even remember if we dated my sophomore year or my junior year. I think it must have been my junior year but that just doesn’t seem right. We went to the winter dance. We went to a few movies. We hung out. I think we played tennis. All in all our relationship could not have lasted more than 3 or 4 weeks. But that was enough for me. I was in completely, irrevocably in love with Herbert.

So what does a teenage girl in obsessive, dramatic, sick-to-your-stomach love do? I professed my love to him. Duh? I still remember the exact moment and the horrified look on his face. I thought that he would profess his love back to me. Why wouldn’t he? I was a cute 16 year-old with a convertible. I thought we would probably get married. We would live in a cute little house in Ukiah and I could look at him every day. Maybe we would get a puppy. Maybe even a kitten. What did normal teenage boy do? He bolted! Of course he bolted. What 16 year old boy wouldn’t bolt?

What ensued was at least a year of obsessive, dramatic, sick-to-my-stomach pining for Herbert. As with all great tragedies, the year was filled with one humiliation after another. The humiliation culminated where all great high school humiliation culminates. The prom. Herbert took another girl to the prom. And as a special form of cruelty, the kind that only exists in high school, Herbert’s prom date wore the exact same dress as I did at the prom. The exact same dress. Looking back the dress was cuter-than-cute and clearly showed excellent taste on the part of Herbert’s date.   My 16 year old self didn't see it that way.  I ran to my locker alone and burst into tears. I later pulled myself together and did what every humiliated, broken-hearted, teen-aged girl would do; I got by with a little help from my friends. My new friends Bartles and James that is. I had not met these two wonderful men before but I quickly learned that they were the best friends a 16 year old girl with mass produced prom dress could ever have.

I recovered from the prom but did not give up on Herbert. I fully expected him to see the tragic and ruinous mistake he had made and profess his love to me. Every time the phone rang, I knew it was going to be him. Of course, it never was. Herbert went off to college the next year. I faithfully wrote him letters and held out hope. He would certainly miss me and be terribly lonely as an adorable freshman guy at the number one party school in the country. Right? He had to have been thinking about me every minute of every day. I just knew this time apart would make him come to his senses. I waited expectantly for him to come home at Thanksgiving break only to be heartbroken. Again. Herbert did not return home to me but instead yet another cute 16 year old girl with a convertible. I will say one thing for Herbert; he had fantastic taste in 16 year old girls.

Eventually I got over Herbert. I quit listening to stupid Depeche Mode songs in the dark. I quit drowning my sorrows with Bartles and James. I picked up the pieces and moved on. I don’t know when, I don’t know how, but I did.

Looking back, my expectations were obviously unrealistic. Sixteen year old boys are, well 16 year old boys. But give me a break. I went to private school for middle school so I didn’t have that brutal crash course how to deal with the male of the species. I was unsophisticated. My training in love and the male species consisted of an unhealthy amount of Danielle Steele novels that I stole from my mother, countless hours of soap operas watched with my grandmother, and Charles and Diana’s wedding.

I thought love was always supposed to be reciprocated. To me, it was simple, if you loved someone, they would love you back. You would survive a series of tragedies and always find your way back to one another. When I got kidnapped by evil Niko Casadine, Herbert would save me. When my barn full of horses and kittens burned down, Herbert would rescue the horses and kittens and build me a new one. When I got stuck on the top of a snow-covered mountain in my cute puffy parka; Herbert would carry me down on his skis safely to the romantic lodge. It never once occurred to me, at age 16, that you could say “I love you” and not hear "I love you too."

So what is my point? Obviously, my point is never purchase a mass produced prom dress.

What is my other point? I do not regret professing my love to Herbert. The simple fact is I did love him. I really, really did. But it was 16 year old love. I would like to think that this kind of teenage love still happens in your 40s but it probably doesn’t. And let’s face it that is probably a good thing. Obsessive, dramatic, stomach-ache love is really truly miserable. As a grown up, I don’t think I would survive it. However, I think there is something to be said for the innocence of that Danielle Steele trained 16 year old girl. I am proud of her for saying what was in her heart.

Here’s to hoping. Here’s to being brave enough at age 16 to tell a boy how you feel. Here’s to being brave enough at any age to tell a boy how you feel. And, here’s to Herbert…wherever he is.

60 classes. 60 days. 60 outfits.

60 classes in 60 days certainly requires 60 yoga outfits. I have decided to commit to the Bikram Yoga 60 day challenge. The 60 day challenge requires you to do 60 Bikram yoga classes in 60 days. 60 consecutive days. I have mentioned before that I have enough challenges in my life and that now is perhaps not the time to undertake the daunting task of 60 days of Bikram Yoga in a row. 60 days. That is 90 hours. 5,400 minutes. That is a lot of time on the mat. But I've never really been one to back down from a challenge.

Believe it or not this wasn’t an impulsive decision like my first marathon, or my first marriage for that matter. This wasn’t one of my infamous if-it-is-meant-to-be-I-will-get-a-good-score- without-studying decision, like the LSAT, and arguably law school as a whole. I actually really thought the 60 day challenge through and really carefully considered what challenges I would face in accomplishing this goal.

The obvious challenge is the time commitment. A Bikram yoga class is 90 minutes long. That is from first breathing exercise to final savasana. That time does not take into account travel time to and from the studio, the time it takes to acclimate to the heat before class, and the time it takes to recover enough to stand up without passing out or throwing up at the end of class. All in all it is more like a 2 and half hour experience (depending on where you live). I absolutely have the kind of job that can derail these sorts of challenges. But, I looked at my schedule and low and behold I have no travel commitments for the next 60 days. I have no trials for the next 60 days. And with the first class at 6 am and the final class at 8:30 pm most days, even if I have a work day that gets completely out of control, there is no reason I can’t make one of these classes. I may have to give up an evening of the Bachelor but would that really be a bad thing? And I can always sneak my blackberry into class with me and respond to work email during savasana when the instructor isn't looking if I get in a bind. So the time commitment is not a viable excuse.

Other than the time issue, I could not come up with a single excuse, or even reason, why I should not commit to this challenge and just see what happens. Apparently there is something magical about 60 days. I have heard that Bikram says “give me 60 days and I will give you a new life”. It has something to do with exponential benefits of consecutive days of practice. I’m sure there is some science behind it but I don't know what it is. It doesn't really matter to me. A new life sounds promising. I have heard that a 60 day challenge can be life changing. Stefan promised “a new body, new mind and new life.” If I end up with just one of those things I will be happy. The promise of all 3 is something that should be pursued.

Now, we all know I have a problem with unrealistic expectations so I have made a short list of things I hope to accomplish through this challenge. They are as follows:

1. A smaller body. I have taken my measurements and will take them every 10 days to see if I have tangible physical results. This isn’t really the most important thing me. More of an added benefit. I have sworn off the scale because I tend to get obsessed with those numbers. Scales make me a little psycho. A little OCD. Perhaps even evil at times. Instead, I am going to focus on the inches and not the scale and see what happens.

2. A yoga glow. My skin is dry and haggard and old. The yoga people, have a glow. They are like cute little fireflies. Like Tinkerbelles. It's probably because of all the water. For me, water is the new Chardonnay. I really, really want to glow.

3. “A place for my head”. One of my son’s favorite Linkin Park songs is called “a place for my head”. I am hoping for some mental benefits. I need some mental benefits. I need to give my mind a break. I find myself mid bow pulling pose thinking about a client that I forgot to call back. I find myself in cobra pose wondering if I remembered to pay the power bill. I wonder during the rabbit pose if Taylor remembered to turn in his book report. I have a very hard time quieting down the thoughts in my head. I'm going to just think about breathing and following the instructions for 90 minutes a day. I want this to be a good place for my head. I'm really going to work on this.

4. A straighter stronger spine. I have scoliosis. I have a desk job. I love high heels. Someone once told me that they had a friend whose philosophy was basically this; the day she gives up her high heels is the day she has given up on life entirely. True, true, true. However, the combination of these three things is starting to take their toll. I don't want to be hunched over later in life, I don't want surgery and I especially don't want to give up.

One exciting aspect of the challenge is that yoga items have now fall into the "essentials” category. I have purchased one super cute yoga top. One pair of new yoga shorts. I should point out that I wasn’t going to purchase yoga shorts but I found a pair at Lululemon. The color is called “unicorn tears”. This is such a great name for a color that the "unicorn tear" shorts somehow found their way into my life. "Unicorn Tears". It makes me feel both sad and happy at the same time. I also invested in one new pair of capri yoga pants. I generally wear the short shorts and just don’t care about the size of my thighs because of the heat. At Bikram yoga, we never judge our bodies. However, there are occasionally days when I find my thighs so revolting that I opt for capri pants instead of short shorts. Capri pants are the hot yoga equivalent of "boyfriend jeans". I am certain the people who are unfortunate enough to stand behind me are relieved on the days when I opt for capri pants. I am a little concerned because I chose green capri pants. As it turns out, Bikram hates green. Why does Bikram hate green? What does he do on St. Patrick's day? I hope it isn’t a bad omen that I chose green pants. I have also stocked the refrigerator with watermelon juice and coconut water…yoga’s version of Gatorade. I think I'm ready.

So with that I am off to day 6 of the 60 day yoga challenge.

Does anyone even read this? Is anyone out there?