"Yeah here we go for the hundredth time.."

It’s confession time. I bought a t-shirt. I didn’t need a t-shirt. It is not an essential t-shirt. There isn’t even a charitable giving exception to my t-shirt. But sometimes…you just need a t-shirt.

Last night I took Taylor to the much anticipated Linkin Park concert. Taylor loves Linkin Park. I have never met a kid who at age almost 13 loves music the way he does. And he loves Linkin Park. I’m pretty sure his exceptional taste in music comes from me. He can name every song and tell you exactly what number it is on every album. Meteora is his favorite for those of you who may question his sincerity and loyalty. I bought him tickets to the concert in Las Vegas for Christmas. He has been counting the days since then. And I have been holding my breath for two weeks. They had to cancel a series of shows because Chester Bennington was sick. In fact, this was their first show back and the show right before this one was in fact cancelled. I told Taylor as soon as they started canceling shows that there was a chance his show would get rescheduled. I could only imagine the heartbreak that would result if we missed this show. I wanted him to be prepared. Everyday he made me check Facebook at least 3 times to see if Chester was still sick. Luckily, they posted on Friday that “Vegas was a go”. Thank you, Chester. Really, really…Thank you!

I believe strongly in having the full concert experience when you are seeing your favorite band. Concert t-shirts are a must. I let Taylor pick out whatever tour t-shirt he wanted. Ok, Chester, while I love and adore you very much and am happy you feel better, $35 for a t-shirt? Really? Anyway, he found the one of his dreams and promptly put it on while we were still standing at the counter. He then looked at me and said, “Which one are you going to get? It’s Linkin Park”. There was clearly no way I wasn’t getting a t-shirt too. So, I picked out my own fabulous $35 t-shirt in spite of my no shopping for February resolution. I’m a complete failure! But I’m totally ok with it. Taylor was so happy that his happiness was contagious. Stupid as it sounds, I will cherish my Linkin Park t-shirt for years to come. I may even ultimately cherish it more than my 1987 U2 Joshua Tree t-shirt that I still have and love. It is amazing to have a truly happy kid. I think there is now a concert t-shirt exception. Chester, don't tell Bono. Ok?

Now Chester, you guys were amazing and everything but next time maybe you could come a little closer to Reno. Going to Las Vegas is, in my opinion, a pain in the ass. It was a pain in the ass to get to the airport by 8 am the morning after the biggest snow storm of the year. It was a pain in the ass to go to Las Vegas, a place I truly despise. I honestly think that if anyone doubts that God is going to make it start raining again soon, all you really need to do is spend a Saturday night in Vegas. We should all be working on our arks. It was a pain in the ass to dodge the drunken idiots on the strip as we walked to the MGM from Treasure Island. Quite a hike, I might add. Did you know that you can get a daiquiri in a travel glass-like thing shaped like the Eiffel Tower? You can buy a strap too (probably because it is so big that it is really heavy) so you can wear your Eiffel Tower Daiquiri around your neck. At least every other drunken idiot was wearing an Eiffel Tower. It was a pain in the ass to have to give the “call girl” guy a lecture about handing out the number of “girls, girls, girls” to a 12 year old. The “call girl” guy assured me that he will be using better judgment in the future. It was a pain in the ass to have to fight through the people to see the half dead lions at the MGM. Does PETA not know about Las Vegas?

Chester, despite all of this complaining, you were so worth it! This concert meant the world to me. I needed Linkin Park for myself too. February has been rough on my heart. I’m not going to go into the gory details but trust me when I say this has been a hard month. I know time heals all things, but frankly, I need time to move a little faster.

I love music and I believe music has the ability to heal. I really do. And Linkin Park, well they have some serious insight into the human heart. I agree with them when they say, “I don’t want to be the one the battles always choose.” I know! I totally understand, Chester! I’m sick of being the one the battles always choose too. They are right when they say, “the hardest part of ending is starting again.” It is. The hardest part is picking up the pieces and “trying to figure out what it’s like moving on.” I know! Chester, you may be my soul mate. And I hope so much that they are right that even when you fall, even when you lose it all, “in the end it doesn’t even matter”. Chester, my soul mate, you had better be right about his one!

But you know what? Today it doesn't matter. All the heartache doesn’t even matter today. The drunken idiots and half dead lions don't even matter. The "call girl" guy, doesn't even matter. I have an ecstatic 12 year old, a post-concert high, and a “Thousand Suns 2010-11 World Tour” t-shirt. What’s better than that?

Happy Valentine's Day Walt Disney

Today is Valentine’s Day. You would think that with my love of shopping and buying cute stuff that this holiday would be right up my alley. Not so. I find Valentine’s Day to typically be just one big disappointment. This is because I frankly suck at relationships and affairs of the heart. I share the majority of the blame for this. But I am not alone. There are others who have been instrumental in my relationship problems. In fact, there is one person in particular I blame. Walt Disney. Yes. That is right. I blame all things Disney for my absolutely unrealistic expectations when it comes to men and love.

My best friend once asked me if we could bring a class action suit against Disney. I have given it a lot of thought. I think there are grounds for it. There are certainly negligent misrepresentation claims. I think there are arguably claims for Negligence, Fraud, and maybe Breach of Implied Covenants or Warranties. The damages include emotional distress, pain and suffering, and lost wages (in the form of time spent daydreaming or unable to get out of bed from being dumped). I think it may be a stretch to argue that Disney has breached a fiduciary duty but maybe it could be argued. We do rely Disney, don’t we?

Disney teaches young girls that they should all want to be princesses or mermaids. After all, if you aren’t a beautiful princess or mermaid your only other option is evil witch, or ugly step-sister. Disney teaches us that some handsome man with a horse will show up in our hour of need and make our lives better. Disney teaches us that mice are actually our friends. That if you don’t talk at all it increases your chances of said handsome man with horse finding you absolutely irresistible. That if you meet said perfect guy at the ball, he will actually call you the next day. Not just call you, but track you down with your favorite, lost shoe. I do love the part about it all coming down to Cinderella’s shoes though. Those glass slippers are pretty cute.

I was thinking about my Disney class action suit today while I was working on a discovery plan. It occurred to me that maybe, instead of unrealistic expectations and sparkling dresses, relationships need early case conferences. You see, under Nevada law, when litigation is commenced, the parties are required to meet very early on to discuss the case. They talk about their witnesses, their documents, what discovery is needed, how long they anticipate the litigation will take, if they will need the help of expert witnesses. The potential range of damages is discussed. The parties sit down together and literally map a plan of how they will get this case to trial. It’s a road map for the course of the litigation.

I think I would benefit from this kind of planning when it comes to relationships. I mean, lets face it. I’m no Cinderella. My Snow White days are over. I’ve had my heart broken enough to know that I am under no illusions that you just see someone, fall in love, see fireworks, and hear harps and singing animals with sweet little voices. I also have no hope that Prince Charming will even remember to call the next day, much less bring back my favorite shoe that I may have left at his place. I have no illusions of happily ever after in a castle. In fact it is those ideas that have led to a lot of my problems. A more practical approach, a more business like approach, is necessary and appropriate.

Relationships need discovery plans. From here on out I think that before I even consider dating Prince Charming, he and I are going to need to have an early conference and make some initial disclosures. Basic documents should be exchanged. Signed and file stamped copies of divorce decrees and marital property settlements are a must. Prince Charming’s last 5 years of tax returns should be mandatory. Addresses for every castle he has lived in for the last 10 years and whether he rented or owned. I would also want to know the make and model of his current horse, how many miles are on it and if any other horses have been repossessed.

Prince Charming and I will also have a detailed discovery plan. That way I will know up front what I am in for. Will I need an expert in the form of a substance abuse counselor or couple’s therapist? How will we resolve disputes when they arise? What expectations are being put on me? Am I expected to attend every royal ball even if I have a sick kid? Am I expected to always wear those gowns and if so, who is paying for the yoga classes? Does Prince Charming even like pet mice and birds? Is he allergic to them? Does he expect to give up his thrown and ask me to support him because life as a prince just does not fulfill him? All this information would be useful before you hop in that pumpkin and head off to the ball…don’t you think?

So I am not giving up on love. But I am giving up on Disney love. From here on out I will act like the intelligent woman I am even when faced with the daunting task of being rational and reasonable when Prince Charming shows up and smiles that perfect smile.

Febrolutions

How can it be February already? Because January was a nightmare is why. A complete nightmare. There were monsters and everything.

January flew by in such a frantic, chaotic blur that I have lost track of all the changes I was going to make to myself and my life in 2011. I know what I need to do. And part of knowing what I need to do necessarily includes knowing what I don’t need to do. So here it is. I’m breaking this year down into manageable chunks. No more New Year’s Resolutions. I’m going with New Month’s Resolutions. Here it goes for February.

I am back off shopping. Yes… you heard it right and heard it here first. OFF shopping. I do not need anything. I have more than enough. I now own 4, wait, 5 pairs of Nike Free running shoes. Really? Do I really need 5 pairs? One pair does fall within the charitable contribution exception referenced in previous posts but the rest don’t. They don’t even fall within my “practical wardrobe enhancement exception”. They are not neutral colors. They are pink, purple, pink and purple, bright orange and blue. They are just cute. Now granted I am a runner and can justify running shoes but enough is enough. I can also justify running shorts. I found the greatest new place to purchase running shorts. Lululemon! Cutest. Running. Shorts. Ever. Ever! Thank the Lord there is no Lululemon store in my city. It is definitely on the save up and make a trip list though.

I have similar problems with books. I hereby promise that I will not buy anymore books until I have read the books that are currently all over my house. This excludes Taboo’s (from the Black Eyed Peas) new auto-biography. I just love him so, so much. And he has had a hard life and certainly deserves the $20.00 I will spend to have his book on the day it comes out. I do read a lot and really, truly love reading but perhaps I should check out that thing they call the Library rather than that magical place called Barnes and Nobel.

So, other than that one exception there is no shopping for anything but food and essentials for February. Now, in the past I have admittedly broadened the “essentials” category but I will do my best. There are no foreseeable shopping emergencies. Only one possible temptation in the form of a trip to Las Vegas but I will have my son with me who hates shopping so I should be ok.

Next, I will eat better. I am considering going “raw” and I am curious if anyone has had success with it. I’m doing pretty well with the yoga commitment and definitely feel it de-toxifying me. I wonder what a full out month of eating no crap will do. I have re-read Skinny Bitch and a few blogs about the horrors of meat and processed food especially. I need to feel better, I really do. It seems that a healthy “almost raw” diet just can’t hurt at this point. Actually, the more I think about it the more I think this requires more research and planning and will be a March resolution.

In addition, I’m all about self-realization and self-improvement. I am also going to be nice. I’m going to stop complaining, I am going to stop beating myself up over mistakes of all sizes. The little ones seem to get to me as much as the big ones. I’m going to calm down. I’m going to try to not wake up at 2 in the morning having panic attacks about work. I’m going to pray for signs. I’m going to choose not to take everything so personally. I’m going to assume the best intentions of all of those around me.

Finally I’m going to be my own Valentine. I am going to be nice to myself. Fat thighs, broken soul, and all. I am going to “Be Caryn”. I put this in quotes because the concept, although obvious when you think about it, comes from the book “The Happiness Project” by Gretchen Rubin. I was highly skeptical of this book when I started reading it but have come to absolutely love it. Her advice ends up being just be yourself. Love what you love. Don’t try to love things you don’t love because you think you are supposed to. I’m going to love my Saturdays of yoga and Beverly Hills 90201 Marathons. I’m going to love ridiculous movies on the SyFy Channel that make my son giggle his irresistible giggle. I’m going to spend Sundays in my pajamas. I’m going to admit to the world that I still love General Hospital and be thankful for the Soap network for making it accessible to those of us thankful to have something to do at 4 in the morning.

So that’s it. February has to be better than January. I had such high hopes on New Year’s Eve. But I guess the point is it’s never to late to keep working on your fat thighs and broken soul. I mean there is nothing magical about January 1. It’s not like you miss it and it’s gone. You just start fresh. On a new day. February 7 can be the new January 1. I will continue to just work on “Being Caryn”…only without the shopping.